Very Voluble

I am still tired. I slept about a normal amount last night, but it wasn't enough.

Today we went to Ames to spend a little time with my dad and grandpa and exchange gifts. They each thoughtfully gave us some cash and my grandpa changed this up and gave us each a framed picture of himself. I think I will put it on my mantle. It was the usual awkward conversations and silence. At least Lex and I had each other to carry on a conversation with. My grandpa proudly told us about how he cooks for himself and eats very little meat. For lunch Hamburger Helper, Suddenly Salad and formerly frozen Dutch apple pie were consumed.

I used to be a total daddy's girl. I did tae kwon do with him, rode RAGBRAI with him, and watched sci-fi with him. Ever since the divorce it has been different. He turned out to not be the person I thought he was. I had suspected some things about him and much of what I suspected was confirmed. I also learned a lot about him that I haven't been able to put aside. He has changed a lot over the last 5 years or so and I don't know how to deal with him. He was awful to my mom much of their marriage and he hid a lot of what he did from us. I won't go into the details, but he really disappointed me and my sister. His latest weirdness, a month-long trip to China is weird mostly because he is going to meet his Chinese friend, who is a woman he met online somehow.

Spending time with him now is not easy. Lex and I spend a lot more time with our mom than our dad. Part of it is because she still lives in the house we grew up in, but the main reason is him. We both feel guilty that we don't spend more time with him and our grandpa, but it is so uncomfortable and not enjoyable.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to spend time with him, but I know I should. I don't make time for him, but I know I should.